Hi world,

It's been years since i am alone.
In my current days, I sometimes find myself suddenly feeling a sense of pain in my heart.
Loneliness? Or perhaps, my realization of how screwed up my life is.
I always try to fill this gaping hole in my heart with people.
With activity. I kept trying to run from this problem.
I try to keep myself busy, occupied.

I've been in and out of many relationship for the sole purpose of forgetting someone.
Or perhaps I was trying to find him in someone else.

I realize now after so long, I can't.
I can never find the same person again.
Never find the same love we shared. Never relived that moment of my life again.
We were just too young, too immature and too unaccomplished to have a lasting relationship.
No matter how much love we have for each other in the past.
It would never last.
I wonder if that is why people say first love never last.

It seems that I can't love someone sincerely anymore.
Even now, I sometimes wish that time could turn back.
At this point I think I miss the memory of him instead of him.

I also found out that you found your other half the other day.
I guess I am happy for you.
But at the same time I am miserable, I don't really want you to be happy without me.
Talk about selfish and naivety.

In a few days it will be our class reunion.
I don't know if i have the courage to see you.
Or how I will take it when I see you again.

It's been 5 years.
Why do I still find myself thinking about you!
A jerk that took me for granted!
A jerk that told me all those heart breaking crap every single time!
A jerk that I kept forgiving for breaking my heart with your words!
A jerk that I loved with all my heart!
A jerk that I can't forget no matter how hard I try!
A jerk that left me so damaged that even the rag and bone men won't take me in even if I pay them!

Even now! Why do I have to be at the mercy of your every word and action!

I am nervous to see you again.....

I wonder will I ever get over you? How will my future unfold? Will I get married? Will I have someone to hold me ever so dearly? Infinite questions run through my mind tonight.
Will I ever get the answer I desire?

I can't wait for the cold night to be over.

おやすみ
Rainey