Hi world, 

Previously i have decided to not get married and not have any children. I was contented with my single life and satisfied with how i am living my life. However right now, i realise my decision was based on how afraid i am to ever love someone else again. 

I am afraid to love and be loved and yet i yearn for someone to hold me dearly. I realised i made my decision base on how i have given up on the idea of love. My thoughts were that no one will ever love me sincerely. 

I have learned to loved myself and this temporarily stopped me from thinking that i need a partner. But as time passes i realise that i was just afraid to take that step. I became a porcupine. I am afraid of people getting close to me. Afraid of giving my heart out. 

One of the reasons why girls like BL so much is how the characters in the anime are able to overcome so much obstacles just to be with the one they love. The characters in the anime are able to love each other and express themselves to such extent. I wonder in the future will i have someone who would do the same? 

 So in the end what should i choose for my future? Be brave and take the step out? Or continue my original choice?

 雨が降る、悲しい、寂しい、難しい

Hello world!

I've been feeling a little lonely this few days.
When i think about me having future relationships.
I wonder if I can truly go into one feeling happy and fortunate.
Somehow my future has started to scare me.
To think that going into a relationship with another person would scare me one day.
Is simply laughable.

I guess i reap what i sow.

I am currently considering adopting a dog to help me cope with my loneliness.
But i am worried for the dog if i ever have one.
Will I be able to care for it properly.

Why do I feel lonely anyways.
What is it that i am missing.
What is it that i hope to achieve.
I feel lost.

The path that I took was ever so clear before.
However, I have lost sight of where I was trying to reach.
I have lost my way in this road called life.
I feel so unaccomplished and lacking.
Or is it that I have just truly be able to see what I really am from the beginning.
I can't tell.

Who can i talk to.
What can i do to escape.
All these questions comes into my mind with no answers nor hint.
What should i do?
How do i move on from where i am.
What am I?
Who am I?
How to I get rid of the emptiness i feel in my chest.

Will I ever get any answers?
Will I be able to find them?

この耐えられない孤独から私お救いなさい。
だれか 、助けて...
Rainey

Sunday night.

Feeling a little frustrated after today events.
I realize just how deep the misunderstanding between me and parents goes.

To them, I am just a incapable person.
Incapable of taking care of myself.
Incapable of doing anything.
Incapable of communicating properly with others or even establishing a good relationship with anyone.

I feel frustrated that they think this way.
But even more so is that I can't convince them otherwise.
I have no idea how to.
Their view on me was such.
No matter what I did or how hard I try, it seems that i can never change that.

Will they continue to feel so at their death bed?
It worries me.

I know I am much more capable than they thought of me.
But to gain so little to none acknowledgement is frustrating and demoralizing.

To them I am hard to get along, difficult to handle.
To them I have no real skills or intellect to prove myself or gain any real advantage in the working world.

So what am I to them?
How did they view me all this time?

It is true that I am lazy perhaps more so than any other living person.
It is also true that I find myself at awkward moments with others.
However, I only think this is so because I am too frank and I do not know what to do.
This part of me has always been my downfall for all my relationships with people.
I can't be frank to people, because people can't handle being told such truths.
I can't lie to people because I have a inability to do so.

So I guess my parents are right. I have a hard time communicating with others and forming a good relationship.
Being around people is hard.

Am I really a born failure?
I am reluctant to admit this but perhaps it is true.
I have accomplish nothing up to this date.
Gain nothing and yet lost many things along my growing up journey.

悔しい
Rainey

Hi world,

It's been years since i am alone.
In my current days, I sometimes find myself suddenly feeling a sense of pain in my heart.
Loneliness? Or perhaps, my realization of how screwed up my life is.
I always try to fill this gaping hole in my heart with people.
With activity. I kept trying to run from this problem.
I try to keep myself busy, occupied.

I've been in and out of many relationship for the sole purpose of forgetting someone.
Or perhaps I was trying to find him in someone else.

I realize now after so long, I can't.
I can never find the same person again.
Never find the same love we shared. Never relived that moment of my life again.
We were just too young, too immature and too unaccomplished to have a lasting relationship.
No matter how much love we have for each other in the past.
It would never last.
I wonder if that is why people say first love never last.

It seems that I can't love someone sincerely anymore.
Even now, I sometimes wish that time could turn back.
At this point I think I miss the memory of him instead of him.

I also found out that you found your other half the other day.
I guess I am happy for you.
But at the same time I am miserable, I don't really want you to be happy without me.
Talk about selfish and naivety.

In a few days it will be our class reunion.
I don't know if i have the courage to see you.
Or how I will take it when I see you again.

It's been 5 years.
Why do I still find myself thinking about you!
A jerk that took me for granted!
A jerk that told me all those heart breaking crap every single time!
A jerk that I kept forgiving for breaking my heart with your words!
A jerk that I loved with all my heart!
A jerk that I can't forget no matter how hard I try!
A jerk that left me so damaged that even the rag and bone men won't take me in even if I pay them!

Even now! Why do I have to be at the mercy of your every word and action!

I am nervous to see you again.....

I wonder will I ever get over you? How will my future unfold? Will I get married? Will I have someone to hold me ever so dearly? Infinite questions run through my mind tonight.
Will I ever get the answer I desire?

I can't wait for the cold night to be over.

おやすみ
Rainey