Hi world, 

Previously i have decided to not get married and not have any children. I was contented with my single life and satisfied with how i am living my life. However right now, i realise my decision was based on how afraid i am to ever love someone else again. 

I am afraid to love and be loved and yet i yearn for someone to hold me dearly. I realised i made my decision base on how i have given up on the idea of love. My thoughts were that no one will ever love me sincerely. 

I have learned to loved myself and this temporarily stopped me from thinking that i need a partner. But as time passes i realise that i was just afraid to take that step. I became a porcupine. I am afraid of people getting close to me. Afraid of giving my heart out. 

One of the reasons why girls like BL so much is how the characters in the anime are able to overcome so much obstacles just to be with the one they love. The characters in the anime are able to love each other and express themselves to such extent. I wonder in the future will i have someone who would do the same? 

 So in the end what should i choose for my future? Be brave and take the step out? Or continue my original choice?

 雨が降る、悲しい、寂しい、難しい