The hole in the ground

I am afraid that one day i might really take my own life if this goes on. Although i am sure i won't do that since i am afraid of being in pain. I have so much pain in my heart. I am not sure what is wrong. But it is so painful. It seems difficult to continue to move on. I am so afraid of opening up to people. Afraid of getting hurt. I cried four times today. Just because i cant take this pain anymore. I don't know what to do, who to share my pain with. It is just so difficult to continue. Am i sick? Or am i jus being too sensitive? I can't tell. 

Hi my imaginary readers...

I just realize I am only 26 this year.
I am not sure if this is something that I should be happy about.
But I am sure that I feel time is moving extremely slowly for me.
I can't help but feel vex with the sense of drowning in life despite not having any unfortunate event happening to me recently.
I feel helpless. Do I have depression? I can't tell the difference.
I just want my life to quickly come to an end but I am not suicidal.
I just wan to experience my life at a quicker pace and finish this experience.
Recently, I have been feeling increasingly troubled but I do not have a reason to be troubled.
I don't know what is wrong with me at this moment.
Time is moving slowly, I am only 26.
I am so bored with life.
Sometimes, I find myself asking myself if there is a meaning to me being alive at this moment.
Should I go travelling?
Eat something tasty?
Do thrilling things that will give me a boost in adrenaline?
I feel it should be a good thing to do, but I can't help but feel extremely bored of the process.
What comes after everything ends?
What happens when everything quiet downs?
Life is becoming extremely boring and painful to go through.
Do I have depression?
Am I falling into a state of depression?

For my future self, I have already decided that I will not marry anyone.
I have slowly started to reject the notion of love in my life without my notice.
I am afraid of taking that step to accept someone and feel that dreadful pain in my life again.
The subject of " Love" is scary to me. I do not wish to accept this idea in my life in the future.
I hope no one will force me to face this in the future.
I realize I am quite damage emotionally since I reject the notion of love in my life.
I guess this is what I have to live with. Since I have let someone become too important in my life.
This importance, even if that person no longer lives in my heart.
It still leaves a mark that will never fade.
I really wonder how badly I will react if someone corners me to face my inner fears.
It should be interesting.
As I grow older, the more timid I become.
What a joke.
I used to be fearless and confident.
Perhaps this is retribution for never really loving someone for the past 10 years and still be together with others.

Rainey

A lonely and restless night yet again. I cant help but worry about my future. What should I do? How should I tackle my incoming problems?

The people I meet from this point on will always have a motive to be friendly. Should I shut it all out or should I turn a blind eye to their motive and just make friends?

For someone like me... Little friends to begin with, such bad socializing skills and such bad communication skills. Can i trusly state what i meant across without being affected by the other? Clearly, logically and rationally?

I guess everyone have their own set of worries and troubles... I am still glad I made this blog to vent. -.-

I thought I was determined to live alone for the rest of my life. But recently, I started to doubt myself determination. My doubt did not grow from meeting someone instead it grew from loneliness.

So I started to think again, can I go into a relationship?

Will I meet someone without any ulterior motive but just love me for who I am?

I am afraid. Afraid of what the future might bring. Afraid to move forward. Afraid I might meet someone who loves me for who I am.

Can I really withstand the loneliness of the long night?

Being my age now, I really cant help but feel afraid. Afraid that i might never meet such a person. Also afraid that if i ever meet such a person, how am i going to accept another relationship. How am i going to fall in love? How am i going to find the courage to be in love? To be with someone?

Why cant time move faster? Move faster to reach the end of my lifetime, to free me from this agony......

Hi world, 

Previously i have decided to not get married and not have any children. I was contented with my single life and satisfied with how i am living my life. However right now, i realise my decision was based on how afraid i am to ever love someone else again. 

I am afraid to love and be loved and yet i yearn for someone to hold me dearly. I realised i made my decision base on how i have given up on the idea of love. My thoughts were that no one will ever love me sincerely. 

I have learned to loved myself and this temporarily stopped me from thinking that i need a partner. But as time passes i realise that i was just afraid to take that step. I became a porcupine. I am afraid of people getting close to me. Afraid of giving my heart out. 

One of the reasons why girls like BL so much is how the characters in the anime are able to overcome so much obstacles just to be with the one they love. The characters in the anime are able to love each other and express themselves to such extent. I wonder in the future will i have someone who would do the same? 

 So in the end what should i choose for my future? Be brave and take the step out? Or continue my original choice?

 雨が降る、悲しい、寂しい、難しい

Hello world!

I've been feeling a little lonely this few days.
When i think about me having future relationships.
I wonder if I can truly go into one feeling happy and fortunate.
Somehow my future has started to scare me.
To think that going into a relationship with another person would scare me one day.
Is simply laughable.

I guess i reap what i sow.

I am currently considering adopting a dog to help me cope with my loneliness.
But i am worried for the dog if i ever have one.
Will I be able to care for it properly.

Why do I feel lonely anyways.
What is it that i am missing.
What is it that i hope to achieve.
I feel lost.

The path that I took was ever so clear before.
However, I have lost sight of where I was trying to reach.
I have lost my way in this road called life.
I feel so unaccomplished and lacking.
Or is it that I have just truly be able to see what I really am from the beginning.
I can't tell.

Who can i talk to.
What can i do to escape.
All these questions comes into my mind with no answers nor hint.
What should i do?
How do i move on from where i am.
What am I?
Who am I?
How to I get rid of the emptiness i feel in my chest.

Will I ever get any answers?
Will I be able to find them?

この耐えられない孤独から私お救いなさい。
だれか 、助けて...
Rainey

Sunday night.

Feeling a little frustrated after today events.
I realize just how deep the misunderstanding between me and parents goes.

To them, I am just a incapable person.
Incapable of taking care of myself.
Incapable of doing anything.
Incapable of communicating properly with others or even establishing a good relationship with anyone.

I feel frustrated that they think this way.
But even more so is that I can't convince them otherwise.
I have no idea how to.
Their view on me was such.
No matter what I did or how hard I try, it seems that i can never change that.

Will they continue to feel so at their death bed?
It worries me.

I know I am much more capable than they thought of me.
But to gain so little to none acknowledgement is frustrating and demoralizing.

To them I am hard to get along, difficult to handle.
To them I have no real skills or intellect to prove myself or gain any real advantage in the working world.

So what am I to them?
How did they view me all this time?

It is true that I am lazy perhaps more so than any other living person.
It is also true that I find myself at awkward moments with others.
However, I only think this is so because I am too frank and I do not know what to do.
This part of me has always been my downfall for all my relationships with people.
I can't be frank to people, because people can't handle being told such truths.
I can't lie to people because I have a inability to do so.

So I guess my parents are right. I have a hard time communicating with others and forming a good relationship.
Being around people is hard.

Am I really a born failure?
I am reluctant to admit this but perhaps it is true.
I have accomplish nothing up to this date.
Gain nothing and yet lost many things along my growing up journey.

悔しい
Rainey

Hi world,

It's been years since i am alone.
In my current days, I sometimes find myself suddenly feeling a sense of pain in my heart.
Loneliness? Or perhaps, my realization of how screwed up my life is.
I always try to fill this gaping hole in my heart with people.
With activity. I kept trying to run from this problem.
I try to keep myself busy, occupied.

I've been in and out of many relationship for the sole purpose of forgetting someone.
Or perhaps I was trying to find him in someone else.

I realize now after so long, I can't.
I can never find the same person again.
Never find the same love we shared. Never relived that moment of my life again.
We were just too young, too immature and too unaccomplished to have a lasting relationship.
No matter how much love we have for each other in the past.
It would never last.
I wonder if that is why people say first love never last.

It seems that I can't love someone sincerely anymore.
Even now, I sometimes wish that time could turn back.
At this point I think I miss the memory of him instead of him.

I also found out that you found your other half the other day.
I guess I am happy for you.
But at the same time I am miserable, I don't really want you to be happy without me.
Talk about selfish and naivety.

In a few days it will be our class reunion.
I don't know if i have the courage to see you.
Or how I will take it when I see you again.

It's been 5 years.
Why do I still find myself thinking about you!
A jerk that took me for granted!
A jerk that told me all those heart breaking crap every single time!
A jerk that I kept forgiving for breaking my heart with your words!
A jerk that I loved with all my heart!
A jerk that I can't forget no matter how hard I try!
A jerk that left me so damaged that even the rag and bone men won't take me in even if I pay them!

Even now! Why do I have to be at the mercy of your every word and action!

I am nervous to see you again.....

I wonder will I ever get over you? How will my future unfold? Will I get married? Will I have someone to hold me ever so dearly? Infinite questions run through my mind tonight.
Will I ever get the answer I desire?

I can't wait for the cold night to be over.

おやすみ
Rainey